[Online Exclusive] Wobbly on Land, Able at Sea

By Jennifer Holmes

The author’s struggle with disability led her to explore her introversion

We live on Planet Earth, where creatures of all kinds thrive in a variety of environments. Some species adapt to different milieus often. Nearly 30% of the earth’s surface is visible. I liken this to the external world where extraverts feel most at home. Often, extraverts are like mountain climbers, exploring everything in front of them as they ascend to reach the best vantage point.

The rest of the planet is water. The oceans, lakes, ponds and streams are host to a vast world of treasures and beauty few of us have seen, unless we dive down and explore it. This is the introverts’ home where one’s gifts and power can be found within. An introvert is like a deep sea diver, exploring this largely untapped world.

Both tableaux are breathtakingly beautiful. Some humans are equally as comfortable climbing a mountain as exploring the sea.

I am a deep sea diver. I understand my inner world where I can seek answers to life’s mysteries in peace, solitude and tranquility. It is where I go in times of stress. I would stay here all the time if I could but I must interact with the external world from time to time, to socialize and to work.

The extravert’s world seems chaotic to me. I seem to attract a family of howler monkeys when I visit this place. I have a disability that is characterized by hypersensitivity to my environment: noise and other stimuli are intensified tenfold. I lack a filter to ignore these and they interfere with my ability to process and express information. When the monkeys begin to howl, not only do I try to listen to all of them at once, I try to make sense of what they are saying. Words tend to get caught up in the whirlwind. For example, I may hear words correctly but my brain hears something else entirely. My boss may ask me, “What bus did you take today?” My brain will substitute “bus” with “Gus”. I know this can’t possibly be what she said so I am trying to figure out the question. Often I do not know what direction a sound is coming from. A train two blocks south of me, going east and west, actually sounds like it is going north and south in my immediate neighbour’s backyard. Sirens give me a sense of claustrophobia. When I am in the thick of all this, I lack the ability to express what is going on. It is only when all is quiet again that I make sense of what just happened.

It takes a tremendous amount of focus and extra effort to keep on task. I have been accused by former employers of daydreaming, not listening or eavesdropping on other conversations. In reality, I am trying extra hard to understand and focus on my work. It is something I must deal with if I am to become independent and fully engaged in society. Work is often an extraverted activity, especially when networking, cold calling and working closely with clients. Even if self-employed, you are doing extraverted activity much of the time.

Work is healthy for the soul and the pocket book. It is where friendships are formed and a support system outside of the immediate family exists. I thoroughly enjoy my work, whether I am facilitating a workshop, consulting with clients one-on-one, or working part-time as a project coordinator. I get along well with my co-workers and clients. I work hard and am good at what I do, but I often go home simply exhausted.

Some of the ways I cope are writing in my journal, doing something creative at lunch, going for a short walk in the summertime, and taking a deep breath to ground myself. I have noise-reduction earphones that help reduce the white noise. I prefer instructions in writing. If it becomes too much, it simply takes me longer to carry out the task. It is important I do not get down on myself when this happens.

The longer I am exposed to this environment, the deeper I need to immerse myself in my inner world after work by writing, creating art, reading, meditation, dream interpretation and other activities that are quiet and solitary. Here is where I explore and honour my strengths, values and interests. I enjoy helping others discover their own inner power by encouraging creativity and facilitating discussion. I am neither lonely nor isolated. In fact, I am so comfortable in this space that I have to be aware that my clients may not be. For them it is equally daunting and scary to leave the comfort of the external world.

I used to feel lost, alone, fearful, lacking in confidence and unwelcomed in the workplace. I wondered if I would ever find work I enjoyed. In fact, I developed a fear of being employed. Then things turned around in the summer of 1994.

While on vacation I went whale watching. A blue whale surfaced a foot away from me. I was instantly awestruck and obsessively researched all about the largest mammal ever to roam the earth. Shortly after, I dreamt of this same whale showing me how to navigate the ocean. Sunlight broke through the ocean ceiling. When I awoke, I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulder.

I felt so empowered by this encounter that I embarked on a journey of self-exploration in my own personal ocean. It led to a career change, a new city, and the understanding that I am a powerful, creative and beautiful individual who can do anything she sets her mind to despite living with a disability and facing barriers in the workplace.

Every once in a while the old feelings and insecurities resurface. My whale still comes to me whenever I feel overwhelmed by the stimuli at work. I breathe as it does and I feel its spirit. I know now that I can do good work in an active and busy environment and come out speaking with a strong voice. I am quicker at being able to acknowledge and release negative energy.

I lived with my disability without knowing what was going on until I was diagnosed as an adult. The discovery has helped me to understand where I belong, that I am welcomed and respected by my co-workers, and I can earn a decent living. To me, a disability is an invitation to explore one’s hidden treasures. Discovering my disability was like being handed a walking stick, something to hold onto while I trekked across unfamiliar territory. Or a talking stick that helped me to find the words to express myself.

Like a penguin, I am wobbly on land but am an able swimmer in the sea.

Jennifer Holmes is a facilitator, part-time project co-ordinator and entrepreneur using creativity, career planning and discussion to help her clients navigate their inner power and spirit. She can be reached at jennifer@dreamdiscoveries.ca.