By Danniel Star

In the last issue of the Contact Point Bulletin, I presented the three aspects of Emotional Intelligence (EI): self- awareness, self- mastery, and interpersonal effectiveness. Also, the technique of disassociation was explained as one way to increase self-awareness.

This article presents insight and techniques for developing self-mastery. The mastery is of our conditioning, habits and unconscious beliefs. It is not a matter of suppressing our actions one but over-riding or focusing our attention in a different direction, one that we choose. In fact, a key part of self-mastery is knowing choices that are available, and to consciously take the action.

Self-awareness enhances mastery by allowing us to become aware of our patterns and sensitizing ourselves to “choice points” where we can choose the direction of circumstances based upon our intentions. Self-mastery is a powerful tool for displaying more effectiveness at work.

Before we go on to choose and create new directions, it is valuable to understand an aspect of what keeps us in our old patterns. And for this, it is beneficial to understand the distinction between the mind’s process and it’s content. The patterns (process) that our minds use are similar for all of us, but the things we think about (content) are different. It is in the realm of content where emotions and past programming are sparked. By knowing the process, it is possible to change and choose the content – without suppressing!

One of the most common and simple processes occurs with the relationship between thoughts and emotions. As mentioned in the first article, since emotions are states of mind, and we are always experiencing some state of mind, we are always emoting – whether conscious of it or not. Also, there is a relationship between thoughts and emotions. With each thought, there is some degree of an emotional association.

So the process works like this: we think about something, that calls up the emotional association, and this, in turn, sparks another thought with its emotional “baggage”. The process continues as the emotions resonate with each other and increase in intensity. We have all experienced being upset or angry about something (or someone) and by continually thinking of the situation, we become increasingly agitated. This pattern is fondly called “awfulizing”. The content can be anything: fellow workers, managers, clients, policy, finances, relationships, family, self-esteem, and so on. The pattern is the same and now that you are aware of it, it is fairly simple to master.

The most important part of self-mastery is awareness, so when you start to notice the awfulizing, reward yourself for experiencing this. You are then associating a positive emotion with the act of becoming aware. This is a lot more beneficial then getting upset about awfulizing again. (A simple example of choosing emotional states: what is your choice, getting upset or being rewarded?)

When experiencing negative emotions, it is usually the case that we are experiencing something in our environment or our mind that is not in harmony with what we want. We are then presented with an opportunity to discover what it is that we do want now. An opportune starting point is by knowing what we do not want. The steps are simple:

1. Reward yourself for becoming aware of your awfulizing, or negative emotional state.
2. Notice what it is that you do not want, and ask yourself “If that is what I don’t want, then what is it that I do want?”
3. Consider what you want and imagine, feel, experience what it would be like to have what you do want.

The third step is very important, as you are now choosing an emotional state, and developing self-mastery. (Again, what do you prefer, falling into a negative state, or choosing a positive one?) With this exercise we “pivot”, from conditioned patterns to effective and powerful emotional states, handling the daily stresses that the modern work environment present.

Pivoting, like most self-mastery techniques, requires two ingredients: waking up to what is happening to you in the present, and consciously turning your attention from what you do not want to what you do want. Wherever you put your awareness, it will expand.

The next and last article will explore some of the basic assumptions of the human condition, when we discuss the heart of emotional intelligence: inter-personal effectiveness.

Danniel Star is an inspiring keynote public speaker and seminar leader for individual and organizational transformation. His visionary material is rooted in his studies of psychology, mind/body interaction principles, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), as well as teaching and counseling during the last 20 years. His leading-edge workshop material centers on transforming individuals and organizations within the workplace through exploring the mental and emotional processes we use to access information, create beliefs, and initiate behavior. Based on these principles, Danniel coaches individuals and teaches workshop participants how to increase their emotional intelligence to thrive on constant change and create greater success in their professional and personal lives. He can be reached at 416 937 8562 or dannielstar@home.com.

To view the previous article in this series, go to Part 1