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June 12, 2000Practitioner’s Corner
September 11, 2000By Danniel Star
If a holistic model of Emotional Intelligence can be described, then self-awareness would be the mind, self-mastery the body (or action), and inter-personal effectiveness the heart.
We live in a society where, increasingly over the last few decades, we depend more and more on material goods as our source of happiness. Because of the material wealth we have relative to other parts of the world, we can afford to buy more things and become less dependent on others. We do not perceive others in our community as a source of our happiness, and consequently, do not see ourselves in the role of being a source of happiness for others. Aside from work and family, many of us have alienated ourselves from the experience of community.
We are quick to categorize others and get on with our life, after all, we are busy working to buy, use, and maintain our labour-saving devices.
This may be a caricature of our life. Yet, the feelings of separateness and alienation, accentuated by the stress induced by competition, cutbacks and “keeping up”, are seeds of the pervasive illnesses of modern society.
So what does this have to do with emotional intelligence? Simply, by coming from a basis of genuine caring about other people and their well-being, we can have much more effective relationships in our lives. Think of those individuals that you have met who stand out in their genuine caring for others. Remember what it felt like being in their presence, working with them or just sharing time together? My guess is that one of the words that would describe these people is “unconditional”.
Unconditional means without condition. Conditions are usually “instigated” by self-referencing, the process where we evaluate based on our own well-being, which includes maintaining our identity of who we believe we are, relative to the other person. Or, turning that around, the objective is to get out of ourselves and be open to where the other person is coming from.
The unconditional acceptance of others does not imply agreeing with them, or their actions, it is just fully accepting them for their being human. This can provide some challenges. Your mind may be shifting to some of your clients or fellow workers.
Just as your mind’s processes can become habituated to certain patterns due to nurture and nature, so it is for everyone. Yet, we all share the same basic motivations for what we do and the choices we make.
For motivation, we all act for positive reasons, positive from our own world view. Individuals that commit the most horrendous crimes take those actions for the payback they will receive. Their motivation is positive from their perspective, just as yours is. You may not agree with their actions, but it is useful in dealing with these people to understand they are motivated by a positive intention.
As for choices, we are always making the best choice we have available to us at that moment. This requires some explanation. “Available” is a qualifier word. There may be better choices possible, but not available because of conditioning, priorities, ignorance, lack of experience, and so on. There is always the possibility of making better choices in the future, due to education, experience, counseling, etc., but at that moment, it is the best they had available.
Have you ever made a decision, knowing it may not have been the “wisest”, but willing to suffer the consequences? That “better” choice was noted, but not available – an important distinction. You did make the best choice available. If the other were available to you, you would have made that choice, it being the best available.
Once you “get” this, there are two important conclusions. One being that everyone is always being the best they can be. They are not good or bad. You may judge their actions as such when comparing it to your standards, and that is fair. But by not labeling the individual with such judgments, you can start relating to them from an unconditional basis. For interpersonal effectiveness, this is valuable as you let go of the judgments, subjectivities, distortions, you put between you and the other person. You realize that no matter how negative their actions were, they were just being their best at that moment.
This is the seed of unconditional acceptance. Consider someone who upsets you. Can you get to a place where you can accept them? This is going beyond tolerance, to empathy and compassion. It is not always easy, but challenges are precious opportunities to grow.
The second important conclusion is to turn this understanding of unconditional acceptance back upon yourself. For those past actions you regret, carry guilt, and remember with upset emotions, let them go on the basis that you were just doing the best you had available to you at the moment. Yes, you were just being your best. If it is possible accepting another, it is also possible to accept yourself. Let go of that excess baggage that you have burdened yourself with. Take the lesson from the experience – another opportunity to grow!
As stated at the beginning of this article, the heart of emotional intelligence is inter-personal effectiveness. By developing self-awareness and self-mastery alone, one can become a more efficient person. By combining those with inter-personal effectiveness based on empathy and compassion, one becomes a more human being.
Danniel Star
Danniel Star is an inspiring keynote public speaker and seminar leader for individual and organizational transformation. His visionary material is rooted in his studies of psychology, mind/body interaction principles, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), as well as teaching and counseling during the last 20 years. His leading-edge workshop material centers on transforming individuals and organizations within the workplace through exploring the mental and emotional processes we use to access information, create beliefs, and initiate behavior. Based on these principles, Danniel coaches individuals and teaches workshop participants how to increase their emotional intelligence to thrive on constant change and create greater success in their professional and personal lives. He can be reached at 416 937 8562 or dannielstar@home.com.
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